January is a month of reflection. Of looking back, taking accountability, and deciding what kind of version of ourselves we want to carry forward. This bonus post is one of those honest moments.
Self-sabotage in a relationship doesn’t always look dramatic. It doesn’t mean cheating. It doesn’t mean betrayal. Sometimes it looks like small choices, emotional reactions, silence when you should have spoken, defensiveness when vulnerability was needed, or choosing distance instead of connection.
And I want to be very clear here:
Self-sabotage is not the same as cheating.
There were no unforgivable betrayals, no crossing of sacred boundaries. Just moments where I could have paused, breathed, and chosen a better path.
So why do we do it, especially with someone we love?
Because love makes us vulnerable. And vulnerability can feel unsafe when you’re carrying unhealed wounds.
Sometimes self-sabotage comes from fear of abandonment. When you love deeply, the possibility of loss feels terrifying, so you protect yourself by pulling away, starting conflict, or emotionally shutting down. It’s not intentional harm, it’s self-protection that’s misfiring.
Other times, it comes from low self-worth. When you don’t fully believe you deserve healthy love, you might subconsciously create tension to match the chaos you’re used to. Peace can feel unfamiliar. Stability can feel suspicious.
Self-sabotage can also show up as poor communication. Not saying what you mean. Expecting your partner to read your mind. Reacting instead of responding. Holding things in until they come out sideways.
None of these things mean you didn’t love them.
They mean you were still learning how to love while healing.
This kind of sabotage isn’t about destruction, it’s about unawareness. And awareness is where change begins.
January reminds me that growth doesn’t require shame. It requires honesty. Looking back and saying, “I see where I could have chosen differently,” without turning that realization into self-punishment.
Because loving someone doesn’t make you perfect.
It reveals where you still need healing.
And the beautiful thing?
Those moments don’t define you.
They teach you.
This season is about choosing better paths, softer reactions, clearer communication, and more grace for ourselves as we grow.
Healing isn’t linear.
Love is a lesson.
And awareness is the first step forward.
